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A Night
with Junoon
Flipping through channels hopelessly I cursed myself – why didn’t I have cable?
SPTV was as boring as ever but surprisingly PTV showed glimpses of some very
bright eye-catching-retina-burning colors. Took me a second or two to grasp the
situation and confirm my hunch. Live on PTV was none other than our very own
self proclaimed pioneers of rock music in Pakistan: Junoon!
Every midnight PTV's “Nite Time Transmission” invites the most boring
celebrities that ever existed. No offence but I have no interest in the life
history of an actor who starred in a 30-year-old sitcom my parents used to
watch. The local snooker champ isn’t very interesting either. But occasionally
they invite a bearable guest and that night Junoon seemed pretty bearable. Plus
I liked Salman’s cap.
After laying the exhausted remote to rest I turned my concentration towards the
tasteless set and my two least favorite and most boring hosts for the night.
*Sigh*. Nadia flirts too much and Ayaz... well Ayaz is just plain irritating -
which was later confirmed when a few callers phoned in to say the same. It was
weird how all of their calls were being mysteriously cut off mid sentence. Nadia
is just as irritating mind you, with all of her qaaf's pronounced as if she's
got the hiccups in her perfect lawyer-urdu ("Ya Qqkeen-nan!").
Back to the guests: On the screen was Salman Ahmed and a rather uninterested Ali
Azmat, but there was no sign of Brian. Poor thing – he doesn’t get invited
anywhere these days. People were calling in asking questions. One guy asked how
Brian got into the band to which Salman replied that to get into the band one
had to send in their name, address, telephone number and a 2” X 4” photograph.
And after short listing the Chinese, Japanese and Australians that had applied,
the most innocent looking one was Brian. Hosts, for obvious reasons, were
unmoved by the attempted humor – and so was I.
Salman then went on to tell what really did happen to Brian when he first landed
in Pakistan. Two tests were set for him; first: at the airport, a CIA agent
tried to arrest him for drug trafficking. Brian swore that he only had a guitar
on him. But when the agent later turned out to be none other than Ali Azmat
himself, test two began: a big plate of Nihari. Brian passed that test too and
has been hooked on the stuff ever since.
A few callers also asked where Ali Azmat's hair had gone off to, which he
answered with a smile (read “menacing glance”), only to return to his sleepy
state once again. One caller suggested that it was an Andre Agassi rip off, with
added to the subject's mood. The talk of the night definitely had to be Pappu
Yaar. Some complained, some commended and a cute 8-year old even sang a few
lines. A few uncles disapproved while some of the older generation of Junoonis
said that the change in style was disappointing. Salman was asked about the
breaking up of Vital Signs, which he answered, had to do with the popularity
contest between the members. It was like a who gets the most pictures published
in the newspaper sort of thing.
The rest of the calls were just rude cracks made by the people, who obviously
didn’t dig Junoon’s music and thought that the night was a waste on such
celebrities (they would probably prefer Naseebo Lal as a guest). If there was a
transcript of the show it would look a little like this:
Caller 1: I've heard of you guys but never heard you guys!
Ali: zzzZZZzzz….
Caller 2: When will your album be out?
Ali: It's been out for the last two months for God's sake!
Caller 3: Why is your patloon bright yellow, Ali Bhai?
Ali: Grrrrr!!
Caller 4: I wrote you a letter 12 years ago! Remember me, huh? Huh? Remember
me!?!!!?
Salman: Err… call security please...
Caller 5: Which shampoo do you use Ali?
Ali: I use Laado saabun
Salman: I thought it was Sufi Soap
Ali: *un-amused*
Sidrah: #$%#@$%$%!!!
Caller 6: What would you be if you weren’t a singer, Ali bhai?
Ali: Definitely a butcher!
Then Ali warned them to stop the call session before something bad happened to
someone. Salman was more interested in playing his guitar anyway. He was playing
the guitar even when the very boring hosts were asking their very boring
questions. Way to go Salman – that ought to teach them!
A few videos were also aired. Much to my surprise, they played the uncensored
version of No More. I wonder how long it will be before the director of the show
is fired by the PTV Censor Board. I hope Noori is interviewed sometime before
that happens. All of this was followed by a few live songs, the usual “Nite Time
Transmission” tradition of posterior kissing and what not.
Salman, while answering a caller’s question, said that experimentation is
necessary and that is why he tried singing on the album. He said how else would
he know if he was any good at it? I suggest that if Salman really wants to find
out how good he sounds, he ought to read Rohail Khan’s Deewar Review.
Requests for singing live were met dutifully. “Mujhay Junoon 'band' ko kehna hai
keh woh live Saiyonee play kareein” said one caller. Junoon 'band' complied with
the request. The live playing definitely had to be the only enjoyable moments
for the two Junoon ‘band’ wallas.
Another caller asked why Junoon seems to have disappeared from PTV, “Oh we were
banned. Didn't you know that? PTV banned us, actually, let’s discuss that ban”
was the suddenly alive Ali's answer. The subject was immediately changed by the
hosts but resulting in a satisfied smirk on Ali's face.
The most hilarious part of the show was when, in between the videos, the
cameraman continued shooting Ali Azmat in the studio which he politely dismissed
with a smile at the beginning. But then later he said to the cameraman "khuda
kai liye aik cigarette peenay dein" along with the
point-that-camera-at-me-during-another-video-and-you'll-find-your-head-on-the-ground
look. Mr. Cameraman complied with the request and satisfied himself by pointing
it at Salman instead; who was playfully pointed Mr. Cameraman to show Ali again.
At around three in the morning, it was announced that the interview had come to
an end (much to the delight of Ali Azmat). A lot was discovered in this non-stop
three-hour-long interview at the grouchiest hours of one’s day; the history of
blues, a revelation for me on the real reason for the breakup of Vital Signs,
details of the making of Junoon's first video, it is a major risk to one’s
health to interview a cranky Azmat, and the word 'India' is banned on PTV – only
synonyms like 'parohsi’, ‘hamsaya mulk' may be used.
Damn, I had fun!
Sidrah Haque
bandbaja.org
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